When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships
- ISBN13: 9780312563448
- Condition: NEW
- Notes: Brand New from Publisher. No Remainder Mark.
Product Description
A world-renowned therapist, Mira Kirshenbaum has treated thousands of people caught in the powerful drama over what to do when an affair rocks their emotional lives. Now, in When Good People Have Affairs, Kirshenbaum puts her unsurpassed experience into one clear, calming place. She leads readers through six easy-to-navigate steps that will take anyone from anxiety to clarity, and identifies seventeen types of affairs, helping readers figure out which type they’re in and what it means. Is it a:–“See-if” affair?–Ejector-seat affair?–Distraction affair?–Unmet-needs affair?–Panic affair?Kirshenbaum encourages honest answers to such questions as:–What am I missing in my marriage?–How do I decide between two people when it’s like comparing an apple to an orange?–How do I decide to end my marriage, end my affair, or end them both?When Good People Have Affairs will be a lifeline to any man or woman who feels caught between two lovers, and it… More >>
When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships
The author addresses the hurt, pain and anguish of those who like to cheat on their spouses. To me that is much like feeling sorry for the young man who just murdered his parents and is sobbing because he is now an orphan, but I digress. Ms. Kirshenbaum rushes to soothe the moaning and groaning of those who choose to shag another by reassuring them that they are indeed good people who could not help themselves. Upon reading the book, you will not be subjected to any mention of pesky, judgmental words or phrases, such as: maturity; integrity; the writhing excitement of “first falling in love” vs love in a long-term relationship; or even personal choice and responsibility. Apparently, if you choose to bring your secretary, your gardener, your grocery store manager, or your lawyer into the bed that you sleep in with your husband, don’t you worry about it. You did the right thing. Ms. Kirshenbaum seems to espouse the old adage, if it feels good at the time, do it. You deserve it . . . you are a good person. Do not concern yourself with thoughts of anyone else. This book is truly justification and healing balm for cheaters everywhere.
This is the best ever book to happen to loathsome, selfish, lying, heartless, irresponcible, weak-minded, honorless, sneaky, pathetic, looser cheaters. I have a few other descriptors but their not G rated. To the authors, shame on you! Good people don’t have affairs, good people can be unhappy in their marriage, not satisfieds, lonely, ignored, abused, rejected, unloved, they may how grown apart from their mate, they may not get the support or unconditional love they so desperatly need but they do not have affairs. If your marriage sucks so bad that you feel you need to seek love elsewhere then get a divorce and move on. What? You say you can’t hurt your spouse like that… oh sure, yeah, cheating is much better, silly me… What? Cheating isn’t all that bad? Everyone does it? Then why the secrecy? Why all the books on the devestation it causes? Why is it the number one reason for divorce? There are a few things that can never be fixed once broken, and affairs irreperably break a marriage. The trust, faith, unconditional love, hope and desire are gone forever. Once innocence is gone it cannot be regained. So if you cheated and this book made you feel better, then good for you for doing such a great job further stroking your ego and running away from what ever it is at your core that gives you permission to break promises and think it’s ok to do so. If you cheated and you think this book is a cheap dose of denial then there just might be hope for you. So, to recap, when is cheating ok? When do good people betray their loved ones? NEVER!!!
Existentially speaking I mean. Murder kills the body. Adultery kills the soul…..and there are often lots of bodies left lying around too. ie revenge and suicide.
I can’t recommend a book with a title to attract those who wish to rationalize violating the sanctity of marriage. If it feels bad…it’s bad. If you love your spouse and are compulsive and unable to manage your libido, get help. If you can’t be loving and affectionate to your spouse, let them out of the marriage. Don’t become a cheat, liar and adulterer. It is a permanent heartbreak that steals the soul of the victim and destroys capacity for love and trust in the faithful spouse and in the children. Love and trust is very source of our humanity.
The statistic of 75% of people cheating is wrong. Is this is another whacky Kinesian attempt to normalize deviant behavior? Certainly adultery portrayed in entertainment is the wallpaper of our culture. It seems the quick and dirty formula to stir up excitement…forbidden fruit….no matter the fruit is rotten.
I’m hoping to write a book about surviving and healing from adultery, and would like to hear from as many people on both sides of the fence as possible. E mail me at sswusfc at yahoo.com.
I’ll give the author this much: she responded with a very nice e mail in response to mine that was full of vitriol. She also explained her position on lying, which flawed as it is is at least based on logic. It does nothing to change my opinion of this book. The advice in this book is so deeply flawed, so disturbing, and yes, so dangerous, with relationship counselors like this in this country, it’s no wonder the divorce rate in America is around 50% and marriage counseling (per statistics) helps only 25% of the couples that go into it.
While the author does not justify cheating, she is too anxious to let cheaters off the hook. No, cheaters are not necessarily bad people. 90% of the time, it takes two people to mess up a marriage. Adultery is often as frigtening, confusing, and devastating for the betrayer as the betrayed. I’m not against cheaters being given help. What I have a major problem with is the the author’s attitude (there, there, you did a bad thing but you’re a good person). What I cannot reconcile is the author’s advice to lie about an affair. IT IS WRONG. No other book or resource I have read on adultery agrees with this approach, at least as the norm. For the more religious of us, lying is a sin. For the more and less religious of us, I could write an entire book as to why this is wrong, but I will sum it up like this: religious or not, YOU DO NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM OF DECEPTION AND DISHONESTY WITH MORE DECEPTION AND DISHONESTY. If the cheater does not tell about the affair there is no reckoning, and the person cheated on does not understand that the situation was so bad that the mate was willing to cheat. The author advocating that cheaters not come clean will undoubtedly make it easier for cheaters to cheat again because there are no consequences to their actions. It is inconceivable that a family therapist with decades of experience – or any therapist – advocates lying and not taking responsibility for actions. The only true answer to the problem of adultery is to tell the truth. THERE IS NOTHING HEROIC ABOUT LYING. At that point, the betrayed partner has the choice to stay or leave. The traditional “affair/divorce” attitude is in the toilet. But supress, deceive, be dishonest deserves equal time in the toilet. And as Elisabeth so aptly and beautifully puts it, I would be proud, or at least not ashamed, to tell the world that my partner had an affair, we worked togetehr as a team to heal our marriage, and we learned and grew together as a team.
Another piece of disturbing and dangerous advice is to consider cheaters being with one another. Dr. Phil published on his website that fewer than 5% of cheaters married to each other make it. Other statistics point to around 10 – 20%. But no matter how low the odds, the bottom line is this: no relationship with a foundation of deception can survive.
Yet another problem with this book is that the author does not point out the difference between an affair and a long term committed relationship. She does not point out that the betrayed sees all the flaws and warts the paramour doesn’t.
The author’s advice about divorce is also deeply flawed. The author is way too quick to dismiss the damage divorce does to children (although they eventually recover), way too quick to dimiss the damage done by the breakup of the nuclear family, and way too quick to advocate divorce as a solution. Divorce in this country has become glamorous, chic, almost like a red badge of courage. Divorce should be the last and worst option when there is absolutely no other solution and every resource has been exhausted. The author doesn’t point out the statistics for second marriages making it (about 25%), and third marriages (about 10%).
I gave this book two stars only because of its excellent description of the types of affairs, and the excellent relationship habits the author does advocate for those trying to make it. They are the only bright spots in an otherwise horrible tome. Even those relationship habits do not go far enough, and the author does not devote nearly enough space to healing a marriage damaged by an affair. This book seems to have garnered overwhelmingly positive support. That is probably because it is the first book to tell cheaters they are good people, and they confuse that with it being a book with good, useful advice.
I really enjoyed Mira’s book. It wasn’t what I had expected, but it was better.
I thought it was going to be written in a very scientific manner, however it was
written in a user friendly format with some great humor. As a person who has found herself in one of those triangles Mira writes about, I wish I would have read this book years ago! Mira gives great insight and advice toward some very human issues.
I highly recommend this book.
Danielle